MUST LOVE DOGS (2005)

SHORT REVIEW: Must loathe self. Vacuous is the word that leaps to mind while suffering through this mindless drivel. This film makes the Julia Roberts library of cinematic hits seem artful and crackling with intelligence. Chick Flicks are a special torture for most men. Poorly done Chick Flicks are a horror for all. This movie is weighed down with so much sap my DVD player stunk of maple for a week. While this is not the most painful Chick Flick of all time (Beaches wins that award) and its not the worst (…I can’t decide which one to claim is the worst, it’s like saying who’s the worst serial killer,) it is a pain to watch. The combination of Diane Lane and John Cussack is as emotionally and visually pleasing as accidentally catching Star Jones in a bathroom stall. Cussack once again plays a deluded half-man who just can’t seem to get the right girl. I am always flooded with the urge to kick his characters in the daddy sacks and scream “You can’t keep a woman because you’re half a man! Grow up, get a life of consequence and see what happens, you moron!” Here is how potent Cussack’s performance is – I can’t remember his character’s name. As far as I’m concerned he was just plan ol’ John Cussack reading lines. Diane Lane does her best Julia Roberts impression, sans the horse teeth. Lane is a talented actress but just can’t seem to commit to a good project. Some women scowl at the term Chick Flick; this film makes me understand their spite. Actually, there is nothing wrong with the term. It is what it is. Chick Flicks center around and are made for women. The heroine experiences and confronts that which possess the feminine subconscious mind much in the same way westerns, war movies and shoot-em’-ups relieve the male noggin. Look at your usual chick flick, they deal with the same common elements. For example, the heroine is without a man or, if in a relationship, an honest man. The connections between finding a proper suitor and fertility are obvious. Usually your heroine is in her late twenties to early thirties for a reason. She copes with public humiliation. Watch every trailer for any Chick Flick, in particular the Julia Roberts line, and you will see the heroine falling down, being splashed with water or getting messy in front of others. Normally, a flock of clucking hen-like friends and family that serve to urge her along through guilt or peer pressure surround the heroine. This is her normal world that she leaves to establish herself with Mr. Right. Speaking of which, Mr. Right is often just this side of being gay. If he is overtly masculine…wait, this guy is never overtly masculine in these things. He’s basically the expression of a woman’s masculine side. In the end, through a trip of morally vapid choices, slap stick and forced plot, the troubled heroine finally connects with her almost gay man. They abandoned whatever it was that was keeping them apart to live happily ever after…until the chemical reactions of love wear off and they have to start talking to one another because they’re still the emotionally retarded, frantic jerks they’ve been throughout the whole film. That usually happens after the final credit roll. Well, I’ve allowed myself to go off on a little side trip haven’t I? Uh…Must Love Dogs…right. It’s not a good movie. It’s not a good Chick Flick. It’s predicable, unfunny and annoying. There are plenty of good Chick Flicks out there (check out my list) rent of them instead. These movies are painful enough for guys, why make things worse by forcing a bad one down his throat? RELATED REVIEW: My Best Chick Flick List Categories: film, movie, DVD, review, John Cussack, Diane Lane, chick flick